I always wonder what my deepest fears are when people ask...well, first of all, I wonder why people ask so often. It sets up a situation for SOMEONE to be paranoid. For example: one of my fears is to fall down stairs and break my teeth out. I have no idea how I got this fear, and it's certainly not my deepest fear, but everytime a curious stranger asks, this fear immediately comes to mind - along with all my others - and I stay away from stairs for a little while. I mean, come on, I'm a tad clumsy as it is...I don't need someone jinxing me.

Where do these fears come from, and what do they mean?

Everyone has the typical: fear of failure, fear of rejection, fear of public speaking...etc. Those obviously come from the need to excel or achieve, the need for acceptance, or the need for higher self-esteem. Then, there are the fears of losing a loved one, losing something valuable (monetarily valuable), the fear of pain, the fear of judgment. Those come from enjoying what you have (the loved one, valuables, comfort, and freedom) and not wanting to lose it.

What about the weird ones though? Where do they come from?   

Fear of breaking off my teeth? That doesn't quite fit in the 'fear of failure' category. I also have a fear of losing my memory, a fear of clowns, a fear of spiders...etc. I am not afraid of rats, roaches, bugs, or snakes, but add 2 more legs and 6 more eyes, and *bam!* fear arises. I am not afraid of a person's face, or of the paint in itself, but put the two together and *bam!* fear arises. I am not afraid of speaking in public or dying, but I am afraid of losing my memory?!

I know that the fear of losing my memory comes from the fact that much of my life is only stored in my memory. I have no videos, no pictures, and really no one else to remind me who I am or where I've been. That one I can sort through a little bit...no one wants to become amnesiac...but still. Seems a little weird when I think about it.

A wise person once told me that [a wise person once told her that] if something happens and/or is said that becomes situationally confirmed shortly afterwards, then you know you are on the right path.

Lately, there have been conversations about demons that have come up in a hundred different ways at the randomest times, and it's really strange.

For example, Minnellis, Kayla, and I had a 4 hour conversation about demons - specifically about our own experiences with demons when we were kids. Of course those kinds of conversations are fascinating, but there's something about being a kid that has the kind of innocence that can handle spiritual truth that fades away after finding out that everyone lies about things like Santa Clause. Suddenly, that child becomes cynical and distrusting - enough that only personal experience matters, if even that can be trusted.

So here we are 10, 15, 20 years later. Seeking the truth is hard and frustrating. It's hard enough to prove empirical things. Is that company a scam? Either it is or it isn't. Try finding it on the internet, and there are going to be more questions than answers. Let's add a little spiritual quest to that skepticism, disappointment, and confusion.

When I was 13, I had a completely spiritual experience that I could barely understand myself - much less explain to others. A year later, I was at the same camp that I had the aforementioned experience, and a pastor tried to force me to have the same experience - against my will. I pretended to go through with it, causing me to doubt my real experience, doubt a pastor's role in a person's spiritual life (or death as it may be), and doubt whether or not God even existed...and if He did, what His role in my life was.

Fast forward almost 10 years, I still don't have a lot of answers to those doubts. I still wonder if those experiences were real, I still distrust most "spiritual leaders," and I still wonder what God's role in my life should be. 

I still have my own demons, but now I have people coming to me for spiritual guidance and asking me questions about their own demons. When I say "demons," I mean vices, I mean struggles, I mean addictions, and I mean spiritual oppressors.

This is a topic that I am not exactly comfortable with, but I am also open to learning more about it. Let me know what you think. I will probably explore the topic further in coming blogs. Let me know what you think.